SCP-8205 - PIPEMAN

"I’ve got a vice-grip on my Tourette’s. Latched onto its cock like a misplaced fish.”

Item #: SCP-8205

Object Class: Euclid

Special Containment Procedures: SCP-8205 is confined within the basement pipe network of ██████ ████████. Motion sensors have been installed at certain parts of the network in order to prevent the anomaly's egress from the building.

If at any point personnel do not hear SCP-8205 shout an expletive when it reaches a dead end, an alarm is to be sounded for potential containment breach.

Description: SCP-8205 is a presumably former human whose anatomy has been heavily warped; specifically, its body is elongated on the vertical axis, to an estimated length of 20 meters. Its structure additionally acts as a non-Newtonian fluid, with changes to its morphology a frequent occurrence. Due to its severe disfigurement, it is unable to walk and experiences strong difficulty crawling. SCP-8205's primary form of locomotion is sliding through hollow cylindrical objects, most commonly pipes.

SCP-8205 is anomalously adept at this form of traversal, with current measurements placing its maximum speed at 44km/h. The currently accepted theory is the subject’s anomalous movement is partly gravitational in nature: it has been observed that major movements on SCP-8205's part involve a point (or multiple) on its mass pulling the rest of the body forward. Minor movements are the result of it tensing and releasing muscles and skin, with varying levels of articulation. Of note is that SCP-8205 is only able to utilize its gravitational anomaly while in structures it considers to be pipes.

A secondary anomalous property the entity possesses is remote manipulation of objects and structures it considers to be pipes. Testing for telekinesis, animus-based telepathy, and retro-causal temporal editing have yielded no results; testing for ontokinesis has been inconclusive. SCP-8205 mainly uses this ability to create new pathways to travel through, though the full capabilities of this property is unknown.

SCP-8205's personality is highly abrasive, exhibiting varying levels of hostility to all organisms it encounters. The actions the subject takes are unpredictable and driven by obtuse logic, with the only consistent behavior being its attempts to escape containment.

Discovery: On the 17th of September, 2023, maintenance workers at ██████ ████████ reported sounds of whispering coming from the basement pipes. Because all employees at the plant were well-versed on procedure when dealing with GoI-952, the workers elected to ignore it.

Three days later, a pipe blockage was encountered in the basement. Inspection revealed what was initially believed to be a fatberg, before the organic material shot out and punched each worker present in the face simultaneously. After communication with the entity revealed it to be an anomaly unrelated to GoI-952, the Foundation was notified and containment established.

Interview Log:

Interviewed: SCP-8205

Interviewer: Dr. Jebet Oei

Foreword: Personnel arrived at ██████ ████████ from the nearby Site-393, with Dr. Oei electing to conduct the interview. SCP-8205 conversed with Dr. Oei through an open pipe, with its eye protruding from another.

<Begin Log>

Dr. Oei: Can you please state your name for the record?

SCP-8205: I'm Pipeman, you stupid asshole!

Dr. Oei: I- well, alright. I was wondering if I could ask you some questions about yourself? But how do you feel right now? If you are feeling unwell, we can postpone the questions for another day.

SCP-8205: I don't get sick, my immune cells are twice as big as the average person's.

Dr. Oei: I don't just mean illness. How do you feel physically? Are you experiencing any discomfort from being confined to such a tight space?

SCP-8205: What kind of idiot fucking dumb moron question is that? Of course I feel fine, I'm Pipeman! I have the longest body in the world!

Dr. Oei: Uh… How did you gain such a long body? Were you born this way, or did some event in your life cause this change?

SCP-8205: I used to be an investor, with a habit of "going long" on assets: buying stocks and bonds that'll increase in value over time. And I was the best at it; I went long on every investment! I was rolling in dough. I was the longest investor in the world! But my way of life eventually came crashing down along with the stock market. GameStop, Build-a-Bear, the value of all my assets plummeted. I was forced to sell all my valuables just to keep the repo men from taking my kidneys and thyroids. I lost everything! My TV, my bike, I even had to release my prized axolotls into the Chicago River.

The world government failed me. If the pillars of society were gonna prevent me from going long, then I'd just have to make my own pillar, a hollow pillar, a tube you could say! So I threw myself into a vacuum tube, and elongated my form beyond human imagination just like Elon did with his kid I think!

Dr. Oei: We've noticed that you're able to manipulate pipes and tubes without touching them. How is that?

SCP-8205: I've eaten so much iron that it's created a polar charge in my bloodstream and given me the ability to move pipes through the power of magnosis!

Dr. Oei: You… eat iron?

SCP-8205: I eat iron blocks, banana peels, greeting cards, and whatever the hell else I find in the pipes.

Dr. Oei: How have you been able to subsist solely off of refuse found in pipe systems?

SCP-8205: Sewer workers tried to assassinate me by force feeding me sludge. Little did they know, that sludge was filled with fluoride! Now I got the strongest teeth in the world, baby! I can break any rat's ass!

Dr. Oei: How did you arrive in this facility?

SCP-8205: I lost a golfball, so I fought the alligator to get it back. The bitch kicked my ass then waffle stomped me down another drain and I ended up here.

Dr. Oei: So-

SCP-8205: But I got the golfball back.

Dr. Oei: What did you do with the golfball?

SCP-8205: I put it on a shelf.

Dr. Oei: What shelf?

SCP-8205: A shelf, you nitwit!

Dr. Oei: …Right. You mentioned you used to be an investor. Do you remember what your name used to be back then? Or the company or firm you used to work for, if any?

SCP-8205: I'm not telling you my secret identity what the fuck? See, there's this little thing called "kayfabe," which means— I forget what it means but it's the same idea, orthogonally.

Dr. Oei: Well, you are within your right to withhold any information you're not comfortable sharing.

SCP-8205: More like within my blight! I've been stuck in this brick-biome for the past 36 hours.

A wet slithering sound echos through the pipe system above, before ending in a loud metallic bang.

SCP-8205: Cock!

Dr. Oei: Unfortunately, I'm afraid you'll have to stay here a little while longer. There's been a—

SCP-8205: Fuck that. The laws of the universe can't constrain me; I slide right through them!

SCP-8205's eye shoots forward in an attempt to hit Dr. Oei. He dodges, before being hit from a different pipe and knocked over.

SCP-8205: I'm the Dan Cooper of leaving buildings!

<End Log>

Closing Statement: Dr. Oei was treated for his injury and returned to duty.

Further Information: After containment was stabilized, research into SCP-8205's pre-containment history began. Reports, sightings, and footage of the entity's activity between 2021-2023 were collected. It is unknown how these events escaped the Foundation's notice.

SCP-8205's actions during this period were seemingly random, with no identifiable modus operandi. The majority of these records are unremarkable in terms of research value, but three noteworthy cases have been included below.

- Close

Memo cards recovered from abandoned factory, believed to be a previous base of operations for Hive Detailing & Restoration Midwest, LLC.

MEMO

To all employees in Bug Logistics, there has been a reported 33% loss of product during tube transport. Please determine the cause of this issue and rectify it.

— Alexander Lindier, CEO

MEMO

To all employees in Predator Control, an unknown animal has taken up residence in the tube transport system. The animal has been consuming our products for 7 days, and impeding our Illinois shipments. Bug Logistics reports it is presumably a mammal, and is able to mimic human speech. Please remove the animal post haste.

— Alexander Lindier, CEO

MEMO

To all employees in Hive Security, a violent individual is loose in the building. According to Predator Control, the individual is a fluid mass of flesh with the features of numerous insects, which it presumably gained from consuming our products. The individual is currently in the building's water system. Please remove them from the premises immediately.

— Alexander Lindier, CEO

MEMO

To all employees. There is currently an issue with the building's water system. If you hear odd sounds while using appliances connected to the water system, please back away. If you hear "PIPEMAN SILVER AGE BUG EDITION", please quickly back away.

— Alexander Lindier, CEO

Notes: When asked regarding this ability, SCP-8205 responded with the following:

"My genome has extended to the point where it can encompass any DNA I consume. Though any stragglers I pick up fall to the wayside eventually. The road stretches on, just like me."

- Close

Video file recovered from a flash drive found in the vomit of a Golden Retriever. Written on the flash drive's casing was "Nos quasi canes."

<17:03:41>: A man wearing traditional business attire leans against a wall in a storage garage, smoking a cigarette. The garage door is a giant, semi-transparent tarp. Sunlight can be seen shining through the door, but nothing else about the outside can be determined.

<17:03:59>: SCP-8205 shoots out an arm from a nearby vent, grabbing the cigarette from the man's hand while shouting, "What! You can't smoke until you're 18!" The man runs off screen. SCP-8205 retracts into the vent.

<17:05:25>: A corporate office, with wooden walls and desks painted red and white. The cubicles feature pitched roofs separating each other. A clock on a nearby wall has only the hour hand. The office is populated by humans wearing appropriate work attire, either walking around carrying pictures of dogs, or performing unknown tasks while seated at desks.

<17:05:40>: The man from earlier runs into frame, stopping in front of another man. Both stare at each other with blank expressions. A pipe bursts through one of the walls, causing all present to run off screen, including a Wirehair Griffon.

<17:05:50>: SCP-8205 sticks an eye through the pipe to examine the room, before leaving.

<17:06:10>: A high-end office. A man sits at a mahogany desk. The nameplate on the desk is too poorly written to be deciphered. The rotary phone on the desk rings. The man picks up the receiver; a dog's barking comes through, loud enough to be heard on the footage. The man hangs up the receiver.

<17:07:50>: A circular cafeteria. The floor is 2ft below the bottom of the doors, and is dark green in coloration. A 1ft deep layer of water covers the floor. Circular tables with circular chairs are situated unevenly in the room. Humans are seated at the tables, eating vague red shapes that have green lines across their circumference. There is a serving line in the back, with a window to the kitchen. An individual wearing a chef uniform and hat is preparing some type of red soup. Their physical features are obscured by the large hat.

<17:08:00>: A vent on the ceiling falls down, with SCP-8205's legs dangling from the opening, its eyeballs placed on its feet. All humans present run out of the room. A Corgi falls into a pot of red soup in the kitchen. It does not resurface.

<17:08:12>: SCP-8205 gyrates its legs in frustration. A Dutch Shepherd wearing sunglasses enters the cafeteria, barking at SCP-8205. The latter flies back up the vent.

<17:09:01>: In the storage garage, a giant Australian Shepherd enters through the garage door. In its mouth is a beige colored object shaped like a wheel.

<17:10:33>: SCP-8205 enters into a breakroom through a drinking fountain. Various dog toys lay on the floor, along with a presumably rubber replica of a human man. SCP-8205 is heard exclaiming, "A maze! Like corn, but worse." Six Dutch Shepherds run into the room. SCP-8205 punches four of them, before retreating.

<17:10:54>: Multiple Dutch Shepherds are sniffing around the corporate office.

<17:11:20>: A Samoyed with a smoking pipe in it's mouth walks by a toilet. SCP-8205 sticks a hand out from the toilet, curling and uncurling its finger. The Samoyed approaches the toilet, the curling motion growing faster as it gets closer.

<17:12:48>: A Samoyed from earlier runs into the high-end office, a hand from the pipe grabbing its collar, with another pointing forward. The man at the desk runs out of the room. The Samoyed jumps through the window behind the desk. The Dalmatian dressed as a filing cabinet runs out of the room.

Notes: Due to the Foundation's inability to locate GOI-1279's base of operations, SCP-8205 was asked how it discovered them. It responded with the following:

"I was just trying to be a Superman, but then I became a Trapped-in-a-bagman! I smelled the smoke a mile away, the trail was long, too. It came from one of those pipe holes that disappear when you look at them a second time. I run across those 63 times a week. Or at least I did, before I got stuck here! Like a class pet!

- Close

Record obtained from copy of GOI-33412 ("Plumbers") correspondence.

I write to you now with great urgency.

Just hours ago, I was performing a Bathroom expedition with my colleague, Lou. Many entrances to the Bathrooms lately have taken the form of communal showers, and so we were attempting to find a link between urinating in the shower and these manifestations. While I set out to explore those tiled halls, Lou remained at the entrance, ready to flush me out if things got dire.

As the shower curtains fell away to saunas, I came upon a grisly sight: corpses. Small, diminutive, mutilated corpses. My blood went so cold not even the hot sauna air could counteract it. Squatting down to inspect them, I realized these were the Saunatonttu, the protective Finnish spirits of saunas. Whatever Threat Entity caused this was not one I wished to meet, and so I radioed for Lou to pull me out. The only response I was met with was one of grunts and sounds of struggle, before silence.

I was alone in the Bathrooms, with Threat Entities seemingly ahead of and behind me. However, seeing the bloody remains of those spirits, I decided to take my chances with whatever attacked Lou. Little did I know it wouldn't take long to meet it, for as I was running, I saw the shower heads in the distance shoot off from their necks. I skid to a halt on my non-slip shoes, as I beheld a grotesque sight: a wad of beige flesh, prolapsing its way out from a nozzle. Its pruney skin warping and twisting like water, as it finally popped its head out. Dangling like a limp balloon, a portion of a hand stuck to the side of its face, it turned to me and said, "What! An electrician!"

Before I could form a coherent reply, a loud stomp sounded behind me. I turned to see it, a hulking frame, walking out from a cloud of warm fog. Its flesh made from interlocked tile and stone, the towels lodged in its joints flapping in unison as it expelled hot air. In place of a head was a steam nozzle, billowing out mist like a dragon's fire.

Immediately, the beast from the pipes shouted, "Found you, you bastard!" Before retreating back into the shower nozzle with a loud slurping sound, and flowing towards the steam ogre. With a burst of water and flesh, the pipe beast shot its long gooey arms at the other monster, wrapping them around its frame and slamming it against the wall. In an act more of cowardice than clever thinking, I fled back to the entrance. The sound of yelling and steam whistling growing more distant. Another Threat Entity, fast and beige colored, zoomed past me to join the fight. I hastened my run.

I came upon the entrance: the transition between the Bathrooms and a Miami beach communal shower. I found Lou unconscious on the ground, a large bruise on the back of his head. I wasted no time; grabbing the emergency H.A.N.D.L.E., I flushed away the portal to the Bathrooms, the space twisting and contorting until only mundane moldy tiles remained. I took a breath of relief, a short lived one, as a banging sound echoed from one of the shower heads. The pipe beast returned, after the portal closed! In my awe, I said to it, "How are you able to travel between our world and the Bathrooms with such ease?" It shouted "Flab rooms" before striking me in the chest and retreating.

If this being was born of the Bathrooms, the prospect of it freely traversing our world is unsettling to say the least. However, if it originated from the world of man, then it could serve as a valuable asset.

I await your guidance.

D. Wells
Plumber, 6th Degree
Los Angeles Lodge

Plumbīs Producere

Notes: When asked how it was able to traverse between different realities, SCP-8205 responded with the following:

"Wherever the pipes go, I go."

Incident X-A:

<Begin Log>

The sound of SCP-8205 slithering and banging in the pipes dominates the audio. Crunching sand begins to pierce through as a wheel-shaped mass of flesh rolls into camera view. It is unknown how this intruder evaded security's notice.

POI-8205: So, this is what you've been reduced to. A beast outwitted by crows.

SCP-8205 ceases its escape attempts, pushing the majority of its face out of a pipe to face POI-8205.

SCP-8205: Ballman…

POI-8205: It's Wheelman now, thanks to you. After you forced me into that hydraulic press, I've been… permanently disfigured.

SCP-8205: That haircut you had when I first met you was the only perm disfigurement I saw.

POI-8205: (Ignoring it.) The doctors were finally on the verge of figuring out how to free me from the caul, after 38 years! Now, this fleshy film is the only thing keeping me alive.

SCP-8205: Those doctors should've called it quits, you've been more hassle than it's worth, and your parents probably feel the same way.

POI-8205: I can see your Tourette's are your most striking feature, as always.

SCP-8205: I’ve got a vice-grip on my Tourette’s. Latched onto its cock like a misplaced fish.

(A pause.)

(POI-8205 begins rolling in place.)

POI-8205: I've been training, Pipeman, on the racetracks of Indiana.

SCP-8205: The only track you're gonna be on is the one-way conveyor belt to jail.

POI-8205: You are the one who is literally imprisoned!

(POI-8205 speeds up.)

SCP-8205: Hah! When you get to be as slippery as me, you—

(POI-8205 launches himself forward, crashing through the tangle of pipes containing SCP-8205. He looks behind at the wreckage and sees SCP-8205's partially exposed arm slipping into another pipe.)

SCP-8205: I’m like baby-batter fallen out of a condom: loose and unsightly.

(SCP-8205 retreats further into the pipe network. POI-8205 gives chase, attempting to slam himself into pipes holding SCP-8205, but missing.)

SCP-8205: Some good those racetracks did you!

(POI-8205 increases his speed, placing himself directly under SCP-8205.)

SCP-8205: Shit!

(POI-8205 jumps, breaking the pipe above and spilling portions of SCP-8205 out. POI-8205 rolls his body against it, causing SCP-8205's flesh to fly off from the high speed. SCP-8205 sucks the rest of itself further in to escape damage; it travels to a collection of pipes and uses its anomalous abilities to point them at POI-8205. SCP-8205 shoots portions of itself at POI-8205, who spins to deflect them.)

POI-8205: You know what the difference between us is, Pipeman?

SCP-8205: That you suck.

(POI-8205 slams into a mass of pipes.)

POI-8205: I didn't wish to be a Wheelman, or a Ballman. I was born this way. But you chose this life, you threw away everything you had to become Pipeman.

SCP-8205: I became Pipeman because I had nothing left!

(POI-8205 slams into a mass of pipes again.)

POI-8205: You were normal! You abandoned the real world, while I desperately clung to it… to whichever parts would accept me.

SCP-8205: Like your fugly wife?

POI-8205: BE QUIET!

(POI-8205 slams into the mass of pipes and spins rapidly, destroying them. He looks for any sign of SCP-8205 in the wreckage.)

SCP-8205: Over here.

(SCP-8205 taunts POI-8205 before sliding down a pipe. The other chases it along the length of the pipe; at the same time, SCP-8205 uses its anomalous abilities to create two walls of pipes on the sides of POI-8205's path, narrowing its direction.)

(SCP-8205's pipe reaches a dead end. It disconnects the pipe from the dead end and faces POI-8205.)

POI-8205: Your stupidity ends here.

SCP-8205: Guess again, finkrat. Take a look around you.

(POI-8205 is situated within a large, round enclosure made of tightly packed pipes. The path behind him is sealed away by more pipes.)

POI-8205: What is this?

SCP-8205: See, I knew my long body wouldn't be enough to beat you. So I had to think smart. Whenever I get pissed off at something, I chase after it and try to grab it and nrrgh, so I knew you'd do the same thing if I pushed your buttons.

(Pipes from above begin pouring large amounts of water into the enclosure.)

SCP-8205: You may be moderately fast on land, but I doubt your wheel powers will do you much good underwater!

POI-8205: No, how can you… no!

(POI-8205 attempts to slam through the walls, but fails due to the water impeding his speed.)

POI-8205: I'll kill you! I'll kill—

(POI-8205's voice is drowned out by the water. Due to the lighting of the basement, he is unable to be seen once fully submerged.)

SCP-8205: Senorita, Wheelman.

(SCP-8205 travels back through the pipe.)

SCP-8205: Now, to leave this fucking stinking pla—

(SCP-8205's entire body flies out of an open pipe and falls to the floor.)

SCP-8205: Ah… no… please, I'm a little baby. I'm undercooked, put me back in the oven. I'm not done, I'm undercooked. I'm not done.

<End Log>

Closing Statement: Maintenance personnel later entered the basement and repaired all damages and modifications to the pipe network, before returning SCP-8205 to its containment.

POI-8205's body could not be found.