You ever feel pathetic? Imagine being outranked by a jug of fruit punch…
Item #: SCP-9504
SCP-9504-1, 01-03-2012
Clearance Level: 04
Special Containment Procedures: An inquiry has been submitted to the Department of Personnel Classification, requesting that the Level-04 Clearance possessed by SCP-9504-1 instances be revoked. Should it be the case that Senior Researcher Orville Lassen's own clearance is inextricably linked to SCP-9504, Site-19 Administration has ordered that action be taken regardless.
Until SCP-9504 is resolved, the following items are to remain readily available to personnel in the immediate vicinity of Dr. Lassen:
- One roll of standard issue paper towels;
- One double-sided kitchen sponge;
- One portable Scranton Reality Anchor;
- One bottle of all-purpose spray cleaner;
- Two 6 oz bottles containing hydrogen peroxide and 92% ethyl alcohol.
Description: SCP-9504 is a bureaucratohazardous phenomenon by which Site-19 Senior Researcher Orville Lassen's Level-04 Clearance extends to any and all beverages within his possession (referred to as instances of SCP-9504-1). Often, liquids are strictly forbidden within the areas where Dr. Lassen performs his duties, yet he insists that the instances "have a right to be present," suggesting that the anomaly may possess a compulsion effect.
All policies functionally prohibiting instances of SCP-9504-1 are categorically superseded by the Level-04 Clearance held by these items.
Addendum 9504.01: Exemplary Instances of SCP-9504
Date
Instance
Activity
Response
01-09-2012
Strawberry punch in Styrofoam cup, still
Looking for resources within Site-19's secure research library
Warned to discard SCP-9504-1 or be forced to leave the library, responded by informing library personnel of the drink's Level-04 status. Despite showing no proof, his assertion was universally accepted.
02-11-2012
Coffee in uncovered paper cup, black
Conducting a required weekly inspection of Secure Computer Lab II
SCP-9504-1 was set down on top of a wire and began to tip over. Lassen managed to catch it but knocked a modem off the table in the process, briefly disconnecting the lab's local network.
02-19-2012
Fruit punch in gallon jug, cap missing
Attending disciplinary meeting with Site-19's Deputy Director
It was determined that until SCP-9504-1 is stripped of its Level-04 Clearance, Dr. Lassen's conduct did not violate any established policy. These incidents will, however, appear on his annual personnel review.
03-04-2012
Red wine in wine glass with stem, pinot noir
Reviewing budgetary reports for research team
Junior Researcher Conor Huang reminded him of Chapter 109.22 § 2 of the SCP Foundation Code of Conduct, forbidding the consumption of alcoholic beverages while working. Dr. Lassen acquiesced, no longer drinking the wine, but insisting that it remain on the table.
03-19-2012
Cola in plastic cup, flat
Sorting through undigitized archival files
Junior Researcher Huang suggested that Dr. Lassen put a lid on the instance of SCP-9504-1, but did not oppose its presence. He was promptly told to "mind his own business."
03-20-2012
Tropical flavored energy drink in aluminum can, carbonated
Supervising Junior Researcher Huang's work, currently consisting of writeups for new files on the SCP Datab
Site-19 Administrative Notice
Dr. Lassen has been informed that moving forward, all costs incurred due to his frequent mishandling of SCP-9504-1 instances will be deducted from his pay.
As of 03-21-2012, this consists of the following:
Dollar Amount
Item Damaged
$699.98
Desktop computer assigned to Junior Researcher Conor Huang