this shit aint nothin to me man
SCP-9908
Item #: SCP-9908
Object Class: Contained
Special Containment Procedures: In storage. Use outside of testing is under consideration.
Description: Recovered by local authorities in Soddy-Daisy, Tennessee upon receiving a report of several youths smoking in public. All but one managed to escape before apprehension; during questioning, the youth stated that the group was smoking a folding table, rather than tobacco or any illicit substance. He then demonstrated SCP-9908's properties to justify his claim. The object was subsequently confiscated.
SCP-9908 is a package of Marfil brand rolling papers. When emptied and left unobserved for two hours, it will refill with a fresh supply of rolling papers. Its primary property, however, is that any solid material can be used to fill a cigarette made with SCP-9908's papers, regardless of its material properties. This is done by applying one of the papers to an object, a portion of which will crumble into the paper.
Materials harvested with SCP-9908 can be smoked to produce a physical and/or mental effect typical of a drug. In the case of substances that are already commonly consumed in this fashion (such as tobacco), the effects of doing so are as expected; in other cases, the effects have little relation to the expected consequences of igniting and inhaling the substance in question, and no obvious pattern has emerged.
While many substances produce pleasurable effects when smoked, none (other than conventional addictive substances) have been shown to have addictive effects. Substances that would normally be highly toxic or even fatal can be smoked without permanent effect. All known effects are transient, lasting no more than two hours.
As SCP-9908's crumbling and self-restocking properties are adequately understood, current research is focused on testing the effects of smoking various substances.
Testing Data Sequence 9908-D
Foreword: As tests with SCP-9908 have shown consistent effects between subjects, and with the same substance across multiple tests, the recommended testing regimen is to have one subject smoke each test substance exactly once. The current selected test subject for SCP-9908 is C. Wynn; if she is not available, another test subject who can competently roll cigarettes is preferred.
Substance
Effects
Testimony (C. Wynn)
Processed tobacco leaf
Increased heart rate, elevated blood pressure, relaxation, easing of nicotine craving
This is how it normally feels to smoke.
Cannabis flower
Dry mouth, reddened eyes, decreased blood pressure, increased appetite, euphoria, giddiness, dizziness
I have never consumed marijuana before this test, so I cannot confirm whether my response was typical.
Banana peel
Heavy salivation, impaired balance, fear of moving, nausea, vertigo
It felt like if I didn't stay really still I would slide into the opposite wall and shatter. Not fun.
Banana flesh
Same as previous test
At least it smelled nice this time.
Diet Coke can
Audiovisual hallucinations, delusions, paranoia
I was a princess, and I was surrounded by gremlins, and I had to do all the right moves or the gremlins would eat me. I tried to pay Drew to kill them with a magic dagger.
Diet Pepsi can
[Withheld for decorum]
Can't say much here without getting censored, but this was definitely my favorite one so far.
Hypnum moss
Severely decreased blood pressure, amnesia, drowsiness, heat sensitivity
My memories of this test are hazy but I distinctly recall wanting to curl up and nap in a chest freezer.
Hypnum moss harvested from SCP-8402
Dilated pupils, compulsive drumming of fingers, increased speech volume, euphoria, dizziness, gregariousness, faceblindness, heightened energy, preference to sit or lie on the floor
Mossback is fucking awesome.
Ice cube
Heavy lacrimation, slowed movements, calmness, greater appreciation of music
Specifically, I was really interested in house music, which I normally don't like at all.
Paperback copy of Foundation and Empire (1974 printing)
Compulsive echolalia and echopraxia, emotional volatility, violent impulses
That effect list sounds rough but I actually liked it a lot. My apologies to Drew for kicking him in the groin.
Rolling paper from SCP-9908
Increased appetite, shivering, flushed skin, irritability
It's not that bad in and of itself but the smoke was one of the worst things I've ever smelled. We had to stop testing for the day because the testing chamber was absolutely rancid.
Crayon drawing on construction paper. Depicts a two-story house, the sun, a tree, and several humans.
Shivering, aphasia, diarrhea
This one really felt like a joke at my expense.
Grey iron from SCP-9560
Blurred vision, slowed sense of time, euphoria, ticklishness, extreme salt craving
If they'd given me a salt lick like I asked for I would have tried to [Withheld for decorum] it. I've never had cravings that bad before. Otherwise fun.
Baseball
Dry eyes, mania, delusions of grandeur, tingling scalp, full-body numbness
That felt really fucking good, but I definitely would have done something unwise if I'd been able to feel my legs.
Metal folding chair
Greatly quickened heart rate, numbness in extremities, guilt, impatience, better understanding of own sexual interests
Sorry to anyone who's in need of an epiphany, but all I figured out was I'm into [Withheld for decorum]. This one sucked, not worth it.
Speaker from a handheld radio
Extreme talkativeness, trustfulness, dry mouth, restlessness, headache
I definitely said some things I would've rather kept to myself. Maybe this could be good for therapy sessions?
Concrete from SCP-173
Paranoia, feeling of being watched
I spent the whole test tearing apart the chamber trying to figure out where the cameras were hidden. My fingers were bleeding from scratching at the walls.
Hair from test subject E. Lacey
Constricted pupils, increased breathing rate, grinding teeth, dissociation, out-of-body experience, visual hallucinations
This is hard to describe. I could see myself, and there were signs pointing towards me and making statements about me. But also there were no signs and I was just seeing the information directly. I couldn't see anything else, just myself.
Subject's own hair
Shivering, limpness, profuse sweating; subjective effects unknown
If Site Black catches wind of what I saw, they're gonna swoop in and do their own experiments, and I don't get paid enough for the full MKUltra treatment. So I'm not telling. Also, I need a shower.